Monday, April 12, 2010

Job, part 23

In the last week, I have had a tremendous turn-about in my attitude. It came about because of a turn-about in my thinking.

I started to look at what people do, not at what they say. And... BOOM! It was like an eye-opening revelation to see the difference.

Usually, when a person's deeds and actions do not match, the difference creates an imbalance that becomes either tension, stress, anxiety or some other discomfort. That discomfort is taken on, in most cases, by those who are the recipient of the person's deeds and words.

And so it was with me. I had heard nice words from S and from T, but there was also the actions of P who basically sidelined me. P's actions did not correlate with the nice words from S and T. And since P has all the power in the department, and runs it as he sees fit, I was left with trying to normalize actions and deeds that did not fit with each other. All I was left with was the discomfort as a result of the disconnect.

Somehow I was expecting eventually things would work out. But I see now that all those nice words did for me was to postpone and divert me from seeing the reality.

Once I decided to look at what was being done, and not focus on what was said, everything became clear.

It was and is so liberating to see so clearly. Sometimes it is frighteningly liberating. I felt and feel strong, I felt and feel much more in charge of myself and my life. And I also feel no compunction to do what is best for me. It is slow going in this economy, but it is possible. I am starting to get some positive response to my search.

It will be painful to leave, there are some I really feel wonderful to work with. All told for both periods of time, it has been sixteen years. That is a long time. But, for me, I see nothing improving. I've waited a year and a half.

I can imagine being asked: "But, why?" and I can hear myself respond: "You are asking the wrong question. The right question is 'what took you so long'?" And then I can laugh.

If pressed, I can add: "Take away a man's ability to contribute, and make a difference, and his responsibility and authority, stick him in the corner sidelined, and what do you expect?"